The Last Roadshow

Review: Before The Devil Knows You're Dead

2008-08-20T06:38:00.003-04:00

The chick and I watched Before The Devil Knows You're Dead (BTDKYD) last night. My day had been...well...my day was like every workday. An exercise in boredom. A 9 hour long attempt by The Man to turn my brain into tapioca and a struggle on my part not to get really drunk in the bathroom.

Okay, that last part isn't true; I try not to shoot up all day. Heroin; my secret lover. I find that injecting it between my toes works the best; that way I can impress the ladies with my rippling muscles and not have unsightly collapsed veins to worry about.

Speaking of heroin, it features prominently in BTDKYD. Apparently, drug dealers in New York City live in high-rise, luxury apartments, look sort of like Andy Warhol and only see one "client" at a time. It's all so genteel.

Anyway, BTDKYD has a good cast and Marisa Tomei gets frequently - and appealingly - naked. That's about it. The characters are both unappealing and uninteresting. The story is basically about a collection of losers getting more..loserish. The narrative is chronologically fractured for no apparent purpose. Basically, it's a big waste of time...unless, I guess, you rent it and find Tomei's nude form sufficient compensation for the two hours you'll be kissing goodbye.

The Mind Boggles

2008-08-02T08:22:00.002-04:00

So, I was checking out The Superficial the other day and saw that Ali Lohan - sister of Lindsey - went to an audition for film. Okay, so? Well, the director used to do porn films. To me, that is not the shocking part; I wouldn't be surprised if half the behind the camera people in the film industry got started in porn (the other half did music videos).

The shocking part is the film she was auditioning for is a remake of Troll. Troll is a grade z horror movie from the mid-80s. It is bad in so many ways, it makes my brain hurt just thinking about it. So, the real question is 'what kind of sick bastard thinks remaking Troll is a good idea?'

Do people just have piles of money sitting around that they can throw at a movie about a magic troll taking over an apartment building? I guess as far as remakes go, you might as well pick a film that sucked in the first place (as opposed to the up-coming unholy abortion that is The Day the Earth Stood Still; let's take a classic movie and put Jeanu Reeves in the lead...yeah, that's a great a idea).

Troll. God, I should just shop around a screenplay that consists of a single page of crayon scribbles.

Why The GOP Baby Is Better Than Jesus

2008-07-31T06:51:00.002-04:00

Last night, while eating dinner and perusing the Weekly Standard, I started whistling. A few bars. Of the theme to the Night Stalker. A few bars.

And then, I stopped.

At which point, the GOP Baby looked over from her laptop and said, "why were you humming the Night Stalker theme?"

Any girl who can recognize the theme song to a mid-70s TV horror series from a few seconds of tuneless whistling...well, she's a keeper.

I Have Seen The Future

2008-07-29T06:58:00.003-04:00

It is called Idiocracy.

Released in 2006 to zero fanfare (and little exposure on screens) Idiocracy is the Sleeper for our generation. The plot is pretty straightforward; Luke Wilson and Maya Rudolph are part of an Army experiment in suspended animation. Something goes wrong (involving prostitution rings and military red tape...this is a comedy, after all) and they wind up sleeping for 500 years. They wake up to find that the dumbest people continued to have huge families, while those who were more intelligent did not. Society has devolved into a bunch of Big Gulp swilling, processed food eating morons who spend most of their time watching TV shows like "Ow, My Balls).

Basically, Mile Judge (he of Office Space and Beavis and Butthead) Attacks the worst parts of our junk-food fueled, celebrity driven, consumer culture (a city-sized CostCo is just one of the more amusing ideas) and does so with some deftness and almost constant laughs.

I must say, part of the reason that I thought it was funny was that I and my tastes were not in Judge's cross-hairs (although my refusal to reproduce, according to Judge, is part of the reason humanity comes close to complete collapse in a few centuries). If you like monster trucks rallies and buckets of greasy fast food and don't like having your tastes poked at...well, your mileage may differ.

Check it out.

The Watchmen Trailer...Oh So Geeked

2008-07-23T06:56:00.003-04:00

Last week, the trailer for Watchmen showed up on line and in front of Dark Knight. This is one of the few times in my cinema going life that I actually was excited about a trailer. Hell, I clapped in the theater when the trailer was over. I am so geeked about this movie.

If you haven't read the graphic novel - which is a must read, even if you are not a fan of the medium - click through my Amazon link and buy it. Otherwise, go to the official movie site and check out the trailer. for those who are familiar with the comic, I will say that a) I think that Zack Snyder is a great choice for director, based on his work on the 300 and Dawn of the Dead, b) that based on the trailer, the look and feel of the comic has been captured, c) that the changes to some of the character designs (Silk Spectre II and Ozymandias) work for me, d) that some of the plot changes made (particularly axing the Black Freighter story from the theatrical release) make sense and e) that my only concern right now is that the ending, which I have read has been modified, might not have the impact of the end of the comic. I have also read that the tone of the ending is the same; just the actual mechanism might be different. If that is the case, then that should be fine. My assumption is that the filmmakers were interested in streamlining the plot. As long as the surface horror and underlying ambiguity of the ending remains, then there shouldn't be a problem.

So, yeah, geeked.

Personal Triumph

2008-07-23T06:50:00.002-04:00

Losing weight. Yep, my life is so sad and hollow that I consider losing weight to be a "triumph." Anyway, about 6 weeks ago I realized that I had become a big fat hog. Well, I had hit 210 pounds. Through calorie counting and an increase in my cardio workouts, I've lost pounds. I still need to lose another 10 - 15, but I'm feeling pretty good about myself...and my dwindling waist.

Let Me Just Add To The Chorus

2008-07-22T07:51:00.002-04:00

I saw The Dark Knight over the weekend. And yes, it is better than the Baby Jesus. Only two things bugged me about the film. First, Maggie Gwyllfignofarfingnugen...or whatever her name is...is an improvement over Katie Holmes, but still pales in comparison to the rest of the talent. She just sort of...there. Second, Christian Bales "Batman voice." The gravelly tones work when spewing out a menacing one-liner; when engaged in any ind of extended dialog, it gets a bit annoying. And, it makes you want to give Batman a lozenge.

Other than that, in this case, you can believe the hype. This is a spectacular film. Go forth and see it.

Going To See Dark Knight...

2008-07-18T11:32:00.002-04:00

At the Uptown tonight. Should be cool. Batman Begins was a great reboot of the series (although I do think the first two Batmans are pretty good). I'll believe the hype the new movie is getting after I've seen it...but Bale owns Bruce Wayne. Aaron Eckhart is good actor (loved him in Thank You for Smoking). The supporting cast (Oldman, Freeman, Caine) are always fun and capable of turning in good performances (and, in Oldman's case, incapable of turning in a bad one). I hate to say it, but while I know I've seen films Gyllenhaal has been in (like Donnie Darko) I can't remember her performances.

As for Ledger, with the exception of The Patriot, I've never seen a film he's been in. And, his role in that movie did not exactly call for acting, just running around yelling, firing muskets and making cute with Lisa Brenner. So, we'll see...

The Ruins: More Fun than A Barrel Of Mexicans

2008-07-15T13:13:00.000-04:00

Okay, so the other day, I get home from work (defending America's Representatives from spam and other important tasks) and found The Ruins waiting for me. I was not surprised - I had ordered the movie - but I looked forward to ending the week with what I hoped would be a pleasantly stupid B-movie.

So, we have four 'ugly American' tourists (including one who has a nice "here's my rack" scene...thank god for the occasional gratuitous nudity in movies) in Mexico, who hook up with a German tourist and go to visit a Mayan ruin where his brother is on an archaeological dig. They are rapidly: surrounded by angry Mayans, shorn of one of their number, faced with the paralysis of another member of their party and faced with the revelation that the vines that cover the temple are mobile and carnivorous.

Yep, killer shrubbery.

Actually in the context of the film, it almost works as a menace. There are a couple of instances where the vines are both creepy and kind of gross (like when a vines is being removed from a woman's open wound and just keeps coming and coming. In fact, where the movie shines is with the gross out factor. Head shots, self-mutilation, double amputations, amateur surgery, all are shown in graphic detail. If you like a movie where you'll both cringe at the gore and clap at the effects (or just squeal and laugh at the same time) this movie delivers.

And, while the menace gets a little silly at the end, for the most part, it works. Even the acting isn't bad. The characters are not very deep, but at least they are not painfully stupid. Also, the film makers manage to avoid the self-referential, moronic one-liners that bring a lot of genre efforts down.

This is not great art. You will not learn valuable life lessons (except, possibly, "listen to angry Mayans" and "avoid vine covered ruins"...maybe "German tourists are stupid but handle amputation well") but you should have a nice b=movie experience.

Fox Newscaster...At Least They're Cute

2008-07-08T10:00:00.002-04:00

Some Fox newsbabe (a generic blond) is yammering about a child who wandered off in Chicago being found alive. however, in the standard overheated language of the media, it is a "miracle" the the child was found "alive, unharmed and shoeless." Um, shoeless? That's a miracle? What, did Jesus steal the kid's Keds? Couldn't he just whip up a pair of his own?

Why do I watch this? Oh, right, cleavage with my news. Mmmm...informative cleavage...

Hancock Review

2008-07-07T16:16:00.003-04:00

Saw Hancock on Thursday. I have not reviewed it prior to today because the complex plot, challenging narrative and deep, three dimensional characters deserve extended contemplative time to fully appreciate....HAHAHAHA....just kidding.

I haven't reviewed it prior to today because I was too busy doing more important things...like collecting string and playing with rubber bands...mmmm...stretchy...

Anyway, Hancock is a really bad film. It is not bad because it has no redeeming qualities. In fact, if the narrative and tone set during the first 50% of the film had been kept - a super hero who is a drunken ass - I would probably be writing about how it was a nice, satirical take on the genre.

Alas, that movie was not made. Instead, this seems like two very different films massed into one unsatisfying 90 minute package. The film shifts from amusing to serious half-way through without any particular reason. There is a "twist" that is both moronic and unnecessary. On the off chance you want to see it, I'll leave out the details. Suffice to say, anyone who was enjoying the film for the first 45 minutes or so, should go "what the fuck?" and contemplate burning down the theater.

On the plus side, I had some really nice enchiladas and sangria after the movie at Alero. The only problem...fucking loud ass people. What is it that possesses people to shout at the top of their lungs in a restaurant? Maybe I'm getting old...okay, I am getting old...but I really don't want to hear about what you did at work when a) I don't know you and b) you're across the room. After a while I and my companions just started yelling back at the shouters. While childish, it did feel good...and the assclowns soon left.

So, the moral of this story? First, no one gives a shit about anything you have to say, so keep your voice down while in a public dining establishment - or anywhere else in public, for that matter - and second, don't go to see Hancock.

WTF: Gym Assclown

2008-07-03T12:46:00.002-04:00

So, I'm at the gym this morning. I'm getting into my weight training routine, feeling good about getting an early start, looking forward to the whole weekend...in general, getting a good bead on life.

And then...grunting. Loud grunting. Sexual grunting. Or, possibly, angry water buffalo grunting. I glance to one side and see a guy do not-very-impressive dumb bell presses. And, with every lift he lets out loud yelp.

and then, he tops it off by just dropping the weights. Letting them roll away from the bench. Not picking them up and re-racking them.

He heads to a let pull down machine. More grunts. Bad form. too much weight. and, when he's done crash he just drops the whole stack.

What a fuckwit. This guy managed to violate just about every rule of gym etiquette in the space of 90 seconds.

I never quite understood the whole "loud groaning/grunting/orgasmic screaming" thing while weight lifting. Don't these guys realize that they sound like idiots. And, it is always men. I've never seen (or heard) a woman do this at a gym (orgasmic screaming elsewhere...well, that's another post).

I realize that they want attention. They want everyone to know how hard they are working out.

But, the sad part is, they are really just saying "I have a small penis and no one loves me."

Come on guys, be smart; lift silently.

WTF: Odd Bathroom Behavior

2008-07-02T15:02:00.003-04:00

So, I'm in the restroom taking care of personal matters. That's right, I was flushing my unholy spawn into the sewer system of DC. Beware all toilet users!

Anyway, I'm in my stall, minding my own business...when I hear muttering. And grunting. And the murmuring tones of a hushed conversation. Apparently, one of my "neighbors" was having a long-conversation with...himself...in a public toilet...um, why?

I couldn't really make out what he was saying...that's probably a good thing. So, instead, I just surfed for porn on my webphone - technology yay! - and tried to keep my mind off of chatty Cathy.

This is not the worst thing I've heard while in the rest room. That particular "place of honor" belongs to some assclown, sitting on the toilet, on his cell phone with his wife (or someone like that) talking about how great the BBQ he just had was. You see why this is gross on a number of levels?

At what point does "call someone on the phone while shitting" seem like a good idea? Apparently, right after lunch.

Been Bad As Of Late

2008-07-02T09:37:00.004-04:00

One of my many activities is writing fiction. I've written a novel, a screenplay and a slew of short fiction. As of late, however, the muse has not been in attendance. I guess she's off drinking and whoring. Great muse I have there, drinking and whoring without me. Thanks.

This lack of creativity has led me to skip the last two weeks of my writing group. Oh, I've had other things to do...work things...yay...but I've also been lacking motivation. So, what to do?

There is no real answer to that question. Which is unfortunate. I find that much of my life is full of unanswerable questions. Oh, I can sling vague or banal statements - "put my nose to the grindstone", "redouble my efforts", "choose my attitude" - but really, those are not answers. Those are filler.

An answer has to explain why I should be writing...or studying for a Microsoft certification...or caring about anything...

I'm still waiting for that.

Now, I'm going to track down my muse and steal her drink.

Losin' Weight, Feelin' Great

2008-06-30T10:38:00.002-04:00

Over the past month and Change, I've been counting calories, cutting back on my intake and increasing my cardio exercises - while maintaining my normal weight training.

"Why?", you might ask. "You're perfect as you are", you might say. "You have a good heart," you might opine.

Because I had a pants event a while ago. Yep. I was in a hurry to meet the GOP Baby for a wine tasting. It was a slightly above casual event, so I grabbed a pair of my favorite slacks and...couldn't...engage...the...button. Crap. Okay, I thought, maybe they shrank. Pair two...a pair I had used about five months before with no problems. I could fit into them...I just couldn't breath...or move much.

"Crap" turned to "fuck." I found a pair that fit. I went off for the evening, had an okay time - "okay", because my pants event was lurking in the back of my mind.

There are very few things in my life that I have much control over. My weight and general fitness levels are one of those things. Consequently, this was unacceptable.

So, I've been dropping the weight and feeling much better as of late.

And my pants fit again. Hooray!

I Feel Dirty (Now With Photographic Evidence And Lemony Scent)

2008-06-29T16:57:00.002-04:00

A normal activity for a Sunday morning is to make strong coffee, have some sort of baked good and fire up a classic movie. So, this morning, the film is Breakfast At Tiffany's. I have a thing for Audrey Hepburn. not that kind of thing; I respect her as an actress and humanitarian...hahahahahahaha! No, seriously, she wears a little black cocktail dress like no one else. The fact that she weighs (weighed) about 30 pounds is a bit of drawback, but not a deal-breaker (I lean towards fitness chicks; there's nothing like a woman who can bench press me...the GOP Baby, my fabu chicklette can kick my ass...ah, foreplay).

Anyway, the movie is cute, amusing and mostly pointless. But, it is not supposed to have a point; it is a meditation on the aimless nature of mid-20th century existence in a rootless consumer society...or something like that. Ask me again after the caffeine has kicked in.

The dirty part: Mickey Rooney (pictured at right). Mickey Rooney playing a Japanese photographer. Mickey Rooney wrapping up every Asian stereotype and barfing it out on the viewer. Stereotypes can be funny. The Chinese restaurant scene at the end of A Christmas Story leaps to mind (stupid energetic thoughts...stop leaping). But this...this is just wrong. Having an annoying Asian neighbor could be amusing; having mickey Rooney wearing buck teeth and squinting while trying to sound like Charlie Chan is not.

Man, I guess I am post-modern. Sensitive, even. Must...preserve...maleness...buy potatoes...Guinness...engage in stereotypical behavior for my ethno-cultural group...stop using terms like "ethno-cultural".

Oh, one other thing...everyone smokes in the movie. Did every adult in the 20th century have lungs Rasinettes? they must have with the amount of tobacco they were sucking in on a daily basis. At what point did that every seem like a good idea...he says as he drinks his martini. So, I'm complex, sue me.

Anyway, great movie...except for Mickey Rooney. And the smoking. Yuck.

Enjoy.

3:10 to Yuma: A Tale Of Glenn Ford's Magic Penis

2008-06-29T15:20:00.004-04:00

Most people are probably familiar with the recent remake of 3:10 To Yuma. The original is a 1957 western staring Van Heflin and Glenn Ford in the Christian Bale and Russell Crowe roles respectively. The original is pretty good, with the black and white serving well to enhance the desolate nature of the Arizona Territory and the starkness of the story.

But, what really stands out is Glenn Ford's magic penis. No, really. Ford's character meets a bar maid played by Felicia Farr who had something of a career in the 50s and 60s. Within the space of about an hour he manages to seduce her - mostly by reminding her that the POS town she's in is full of "old men" - play hide the salami - "where did it go?" - and thereby win her undying love. Oh, and he promises to send her pearls once he's killed off her fellow townsmen whoever captured him and are taking him to prison.

While their flesh Lego session is off-screen - this is 1957 after all...men and women didn't have sex...they just held hands really tightly - it must have been something...all 10 minutes of it (given the flow of the narrative, that's about all the time they had before Glenn is captured). The chick is completely gooey eyed over Glenn. She is obviously in love with him.

Hence, magic penis. I realize that there is such a thing as love at first sight and that life in the "Old West" was different, given that outlaws, gunfighters and hostile Injuns were as thick as cockroaches - I learned everything about 19th Century American history from Bonanza...you got a problem with that? - and life expectancy were often measured by the time of day, but doesn't this all seem a bit fast?

Maybe his Johnson detaches and dances around with a little cane and top hat. That would be awesome.

Anyway, the 1957 3:10 To Yuma. Great film. Gunfights, cattle, dust, trains, horses, easiest barmaid in the Old West. Check it out.

Gotta Love The Japanese

2008-06-28T20:32:00.000-04:00

So, last night I got to entertain a friend from fly-over country and his family. "Family" includes two yammering kids. Now, I understand that children are high-energy, that they do not conform to my standards of behavior. Hence the reason that I do not have children; I find them physically repulsive. My skin crawls, my brain shrieks, my colon hurts...you get the idea.

This morning, the family stopped by the apartment for breakfast. Prior to their arrival - 1000 hours - I was up and about. mostly I was sitting around in my robe wondering how long they would be around. to ease my troubled mind, I slapped in a new DVD The Machine Girl.

So, the cover has a hot Japanese chick on a schoolgirl outfit with a gatling gun for a left arm. Fuckin' awesome.

The film itself is like a Three Stooges episode...if the Stooges were hot Asian chicks...and they were fighting ninjas...and they had graphic violence with a fake blood budget equal to the GNP of Paraguay.

The plot...who gives fuck? I mean, we're talking about a film that has people being cut in half by throwing stars, decapitations every 15 minutes, a drill bra (a scary bit of sexual weaponry...although nothing like the razor tipped vibrator from Crimes of Passion), a Super-Mourner Ninja Squad...you get the idea. So, who needs a plot?

Is it worth watching? Well, if you get the joke, yeah. It is funny as hell. But, it is only funny if you like slapstick and are familiar with some of the tropes of Japanese cinema, particularly exploitation films. If not, you'll probably wonder what the hell is going on...and if you have a weak stomach, you'll be doing the Technicolor exhalation real fast.

Anyway, check it out. Oh, and I felt oddly relaxed for the visit of the spawn. Funny that.

Studying Sucks

2008-06-27T14:30:00.000-04:00

So, this afternoon, I'm studying for a Microsoft Certification Exam. And, did you know that "Microsoft" is part of Bloggers online dictionary?

Anyway, so, I've broken my "no coffee after noon" resolution, just so I can keep my eyes open while kind of reading about Windows 2003 servers, but mostly wondering when I should take a "I'm going to go blind" break. You know what I mean...

The question: why am I doing this? The studying part, not the other part. I mean, I really hate working on computers as a profession. Don;t get me wrong, I'm constantly using computers and other information technology. I just find working in the field so boring, I'm often ready to claw out my own eyeballs.

Maybe there are interesting aspects to it; but I kind of doubt that.

So, again, why spend my time working for a certification in a field I find mind numbing? That's right...money. I'm a whore. That's the truth. They pay me, I work, I get bored, I sink further into despair, then they pay me again. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I realize that a lot of people having worse jobs. I realize that a lot of people just wonder if they are going to have a full belly and a roof over their heads on a daily basis. I just don't care.

Of course, if I had ball one, I would just go off and do whatever it is that would make me happy. Unfortunately, there are not that many openings for "Third World dictator."

I actually think I would make a pretty good dictator. I would not wear stupid, quasi-military uniforms. I would not give myself titles like "Super-Sexy Father Of All People's" or "Maximum General of the People's Revolution." I would have a nice, modest palace, populated by dusky hued wenches. And, I would have to have a holiday of my very own - Jeffmas...something like that.

But, all in all, I would not go to Saddam levels of megalomania and depraved cruelty.

I think that's the career I'm meant to have.

Sigh.

Well, back to the books...bye-bye dreams of the Republic of Jeffonia...hello chapter on 'Active Directory Object Permissions.' Yay!

Meet The New Blog...Same As The Old Blog

2008-06-27T14:23:00.000-04:00

Okay, I'm not new to the whole blogging thing. I already have a couple, the main one being Kinshasa on the Potomac on which I rant about politics. Well, no politics here. this is just going to be a self-indulgent, random thoughts blog.

Why?

Are there not enough of those already?

Are the work houses not in operation?

Is there not still the treadmill?

Um...because...obviously not...sorry, wrong century...too hard on the knees...oh, not that kind of treadmill...

Anyway, I have reason not to be both monumentally self-centered and yet so concenred with all of you that I want to share my thoughts...because sharing is caring...so says the Great Purple Dinosaur.